The other day, a CPA I know talked about how we accountants always end up doing all our family’s taxes for free. He said that he does the taxes for all his children, grandchildren and even nieces and nephews. I laughed and said that he obviously hasn’t learn to say the most powerful word in the English language which is "NO".
I explained that I used to do everyone’s taxes --- but now I only do ours. Our personal and business taxes are both fairly complicated so I have to take a week’s vacation just to prepare them.
For years I used to prepare taxes for family, neighbors and even casual acquaintances. Then one year I felt overwhelmed. Not only did I not want to do anyone else’s taxes but also I didn’t want to do ours. I contemplated hiring an outside firm to prepare them. I talked to my husband and he was agreeable but wanted to know why this year I felt differently. I was just tired. I was working 10-12 hours a day, coming home to responsibilities in our own business, taking time off for vacation that was spent doing taxes---not only for us but everyone who asked. We finally narrowed it down to the fact that I didn’t mind doing our taxes but I really resented doing everyone else’s. I felt obligated since I had been helping these people out for years. He made it very simple. He asked me if any of the people I helped ever volunteered their time doing anything for us. I said "no". He then said "don’t feel obligated". I immediately cut everyone off from my services.
When you do things you don’t really want to do or especially when you spend time working for someone that would not reciprocate with their time; then you feel resentful. For me I just remember that the other person probably doesn’t realize what they are asking me to give up---my precious time. So I’m not mad because they are not evolved enough to recognize this fact. People don’t tend to give any value to your time. Sometimes I explain why I’m not doing something and other times I just say "no" without an explanation.
While I was walking down the street the other day my neighbor’s daughter asked if I would do her boyfriends taxes. My first word was "NO". I said it proudly and loudly. I then followed it up with another louder "NO"! And then I laughed. It felt good.
I’ve become an expert at saying "no". I now truly refuse to give up my weekends to attend a Tupperware party…or anything resembling a Tupperware Party. I don’t attend all graduation, birthday, and wedding parties for distant relatives or friends. I send them a funny card with a sizeable check …and sometimes without even an excuse for why I’m not coming.
Don’t get me wrong. Spending time, helping family is the greatest present you can give yourself. Helping an elderly neighbor or working with a charity only brings you good feelings and contentment. Unfortunately, we only have so much time in the day. We tend to spread ourselves too thin and not spend quality time doing what means most to us. In the past, I felt that I was doing so much for other people that I wasn’t being a good spouse, daughter or sister. I want to nurture these relationships and not the relationship with my neighbor’s daughter’s boyfriend. It a matter of prioritizing the relationships that means the most to you.
Helpful tips:
- When you say "no" don’t say it with any anger in your voice. There is no reason to be mad.
- Give yourself time to say "no" ---never say "yes" immediately. Say instead "let me check my calendar or just let me think about it.
- Let people know that they never need invite you to something you abhor such as Tupperware parties. (I haven’t been invited to a Tupperware like party in years.)
- Say things like, I really like to help you but my plate is already full.
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